The Bad Lip Reader

This'll be a short one. A weird/annoying one and a funny/obnoxious one.



Okay, so this 40ish woman was watching me play today and gave me a dollar. Right after she drops it in, she looks at my feet and goes, "Your feet. Your feet are really small." I had no idea what to say. No one had ever said that to me before. Also, I'm not sure if it's an insult. Maybe she had a small foot fetish or something. But considering that people assume that you have a small weena if you have small feet, then I should assume that it's not a compliment. Maybe after she told me that I had small feet I should've said, "Your jiggly wigglies. Your jiggly wigglies are really small."



This other one involves the train conductor. A lot of the time when the train is in the station and people are rushing to get on, one set of doors will close before the other set.

So, the back four train's doors will be closed for a few seconds while the front four train's doors are still open. This woman was running to the train and the doors closed in front of her. The conductor leaned out his window and said, "Over here!" and pointed to the open doors to his left. The woman was confused and maybe didn't hear him. She walked the wrong way and was definitely flustered. The conductor then started screaming at her. Perhaps he was mad because he thought she was delaying the train because she walked the wrong way. He kept yelling at her and she said something back like, "Why are you getting so mad at me?" The guy had that 'what a dumb bitch' look on his face.

It would've been fun to get up and give the conductor guy the business, but I decided to do something else. I just sat there, looked right at him and mouthed, "You are a dickhead," over and over. He noticed me looking at him and must've assumed that I also thought the woman was dumb because he gave me a little smile that showed that he appreciated the fact that I saw things the way he did.

Then as I continued to mouth, "You are a dickhead" repeatedly and he continued to believe in his mind that I was saying something like, "Yeah, I also think she is dumb," the guy smiled at me and yelled, "Yeah!" I guess this means that he admits to being a huge schmuck.

I should've known

Here's a funny one, I think. It involves me thinking that I'm clairvoyant and me not shutting up. That's always a bad combo. Mainly it has to do with me thinking that I can tell what type of musician someone is just by looking at them.

So, the other day I was playing Times Square when this dude walked up and listened to me while leaning against a post. I played a Bach cello prelude and caught a few glimpses of him as he watched. He was kind of a hefty fellow and looked a lot like many of the opera singers I've met over the years. So, when I finished the piece I said to him, "Can I ask you a really random question?"

He goes, "Yeah, sure."

"Are you an opera singer?" I asked.

He smiled and said, "Nope."

"Darn," I replied, making an 'aw shucks' facial expression. Then I followed that with something like, "You know, sometimes I think I'm totally psychic and can tell what type of instrument someone plays just by looking at them. Or I can tell if they're a singer or a composer. I mean, some of the time I see someone and right away I can tell that they're a pianist. Perhaps it's got something to do with how they look. Their squirrely little faces or just the fact that they usually just look like huge douchebags."

He responds with, "I'm a pianist."